(This blog originally appeared in The Rumpus.)

When I was in college, I developed a crush on a man with whom I worked. He was a good person, he made me laugh, and we were friends. But since I was still a student—he was not—and we were coworkers, we were off limits to each other in the dating world, not that he ever expressed any romantic interest in me at that time. Undeterred, I declared in my journal that one day I would marry him. Love was a simple equation to me. 

But then he fell in love and married someone else.

A few years later, we met up again, this time free of outside constraints: I wasn’t a student, we weren’t coworkers, he was no longer married. He asked me on a date, and we went, and it seemed like a spectacular beginning. Then he disappeared. He did not call or contact me, even when I reached out. I would find out later that he was still grappling with the grief of his divorce.

A few more years later, we ran into each other. He apologized. We talked on the phone, we met up a few times, we started dating. He was healed, emotionally available, and open to a serious relationship. And did I mention what a good man he was? Because he really was. What could go wrong?

I went wrong. I had just gotten out of an unhealthy relationship that had mixed love with anger and shaken that concoction and me all together. I was in a dark place, and no matter how much this good man tried, I could not find my way out. I tried to convince myself he was not right for me, but finally I realized I was not right for him, or for anyone at that moment.

I’ve spent my adult life trying to figure out why people love whom they love. It’s what I write about (both in my memoir and my story collection which launches tomorrow) and it’s what I read. And I’m not just talking romantic love, but sibling love, parental love, love between friends, love built on loyalty that defies reason, love so flimsy it breaks with the snap of the fingers, love that emerges after long hibernation, love that leaves but makes a person whole again in its wake. I’ve compiled a list of books I’ve read that shine light on the intricacies of our longings, why we choose to latch on to someone else, why we push people away, how growing up sometimes means redefining love or redefining ourselves, and sometimes it means letting go. (Click here to find that list on The Rumpus).

Book Launch Events Tomorrow
(Sunday, May 3)
for A Small Thing to Want: Stories

WYSO Book Nook with Vick Mickunas, 10:30 a.m. EST.
Listen to our discussion, which will livestream at 10:30 a.m. EST

Zoom Book Launch at 2:00 p.m. EST
Cliff Garstang and I will talk about our books and take your questions. Please join us! Free but registration required. Click here to register.

Are You in a Book Club?
I love doing Skype chats with book clubs all over the country.
Learn more here.

May this find all of you safe and well.

Photo of heart by Jon Tyson.