Today is her birthday. Maybe because of that—or because the last time I saw her was in autumn 11 years ago, or because three people I love are battling cancer right now, or because this season of my life is when I need her advice—I have been thinking of my friend Tsafi intensely these last couple of weeks.

We met contra dancing when I was single, post-divorce, and still lost and dazed in the dating world. We had a lot in common, despite being from different cultures. Maybe most importantly, we both had a view of the world that was fairly large: neither one of us believed that we had all the answers to how this life works and what happens beyond it. We had ideas, which we batted around. We talked endlessly about spirituality and the energy one brings to something, and what control a person has and does not have in what happens.

We knew each other about a decade, but we were very close the last seven of those years—her last years, as it turned out. Tsafi changed my life in dramatic ways. She singlehandedly altered my view of dating. She taught me how to not chase in a relationship, how to remain open to possibilities and people, and how to let go when letting go had become the obvious choice. Except how many times had I not seen the obvious choice? Countless times, I discovered. From then on, dating got infinitely easier—sure, I still had heartbreak, but there was a stillness inside of me and a certainty that shepherded me through breakups. I have long known about myself that I can do something, even if it’s hard, if I know it’s the right thing. And this is what happened. Knowing what was right came to me faster and became easier, and it gave me a peace.

And without Tsafi, I don’t know that I would have ended up with my husband. As soon as he and I started dating, I began writing my usual mental list of why it might not work. But then Tsafi came to the rescue.

STOP, she said, in the commanding way she had that never once bothered me.

Just be, she told me, reminding me again to be open, to be positive.

And so I was.

I’ve been asking myself this week: Am I a friend like Tsafi? Am I making the kind of impact on my friends that she made on me?

I don’t have answers.

But I do know I still miss her all the time, and I wish I could ask her for advice and guidance as I face life’s troubles. I still need her so much. But she taught me to rely on my own strength and certainty, so I am doing what she probably would have said to do: trust my gut, let things be, and keep on going.

Happy birthday, dear friend. And thank you.

Photo credit: Boris Smokrovic