Many years ago, when my then-husband and I started truly struggling in our marriage and toward our way to the end (though I did not know it was the end), I saw I had a few things of my own to work on and I started the work. But looking back, I can see that I did not yet know how much work I had to do.
Finally, when my then-husband said he wanted out of the marriage, I mostly blamed him. And in the months that followed, I blamed him more. I considered myself a good wife, a good partner, a good person. I told myself that I might not have been perfect, but I also reasoned I hadn’t contributed much—if at all—to the problem.
Most of the time, when I think I’m not part of the problem, that’s when I most need to realize I am.
I’ve been thinking about that period of my life lately. I was young then—young when I got married, young when I got divorced. I think about all the things I did not understand before, and after.
What I could not ignore after my ex left was all the evidence of our breakup: the dresser drawers emptied of his belongings, the rice maker he’d left behind that sat collecting dust on the kitchen shelf (I had no idea how to use it), the whole bed for me where once two people had lain. Around my place—which had been our place—were little reminders that I was alone now, and I didn’t want to be alone forever.
You can do the work, I told myself, or you can pretend you don’t need to. Those are your two options.
What followed is a time I jokingly (but also seriously) called Dating School. Every date I went on, every relationship I got in (and out of) was an opportunity to learn some lessons, get more education, become a better person. I had to work on my flaws—insecurities, blind spots, ways that I hindered relationships. Yeehaw.
And so I did the work—hard work, sometimes, emotionally grueling in fact. Who wants to look at their own flaws? Who wants to see the not-so-pretty parts of themselves?
But my parents’ faith—rooted in the belief that love is the most important thing of all—taught me that learning life’s lessons was part of life’s pact with God. The goal for me has always been to leave this life a better person than when I entered it, and to leave this Earth a better place for everyone.
There’s a crisis—on race and inequity—going on in our country right now. The crisis has been there for a long time, but it’s only now that there is such a loud cry that enough is enough that I am hearing it with new ears. I’m realizing that—not out of willful malice, but out of being blind to myself—I am part of the problem. But this also means I can be part of the solution.
So I am starting to do the work with the hope that my parents’ beliefs—that love is the most important thing—will continue to guide me as I go through my next education.