Twelve years ago on a Saturday in August, I hooked my arm through my father’s and traipsed down a cement walk that led us to a terrace where a small group of friends and family sat waiting. Two people were standing on that terrace—a minister, and Preston, who would in about twenty minutes (after we laughed and said vows and shed a few tears) become my husband. Next to the terrace was Boone Lake, and on Saturday afternoons the water buzzed with speedboats and pontoons. We expected to have to raise our voices during our little ceremony so that our friends and family could hear us since we weren’t wearing microphones. But for that half-hour, the lake sat serene: quiet and contemplative and beautiful.
Sometimes life grants us all little gifts. That was one of them. The big gift was my husband, who for twelve years has been as steady and loyal and loving as I ever imagined he would be. Maybe more, really. Every day—and I mean literally every day—I tell him how lucky I am to have him as my life partner.
Before I met and married him, when I was still single and dating, I read an article titled something like “ten things you should look for in a partner.” (I’m pretty sure my mom clipped this article out for me, probably in hopes that it would help me with my dating selections, which could sometimes, let’s be honest, not always seem like such good ideas in the end.) I can only remember two of the items: one was to pick someone who doesn’t smoke, even if you yourself smoke (I did not smoke, though I still remember that particular tip because I found it interesting—the idea was even if you were a smoker, perhaps your potential non-smoking partner would influence you to quit, which says a lot about how strong a partner’s influence is). The other was to choose someone with whom, if you two got stuck in an elevator together, you would never become bored. The idea was to find someone whose conversation you didn’t tire of. I definitely heeded that advice. I have never ever—not once in twelve years—gotten bored with our conversation.
The other day Preston and I were hiking and a group of about ten young women crossed us on the trail. They all had matching t-shirts, and now I can’t remember what the t-shirts said but I remember wanting one, too. They said something that indicated friendship and love. (Perhaps they were pink—that would have also made me want one.) We asked what the t-shirts were about and the young women said that one of the women was getting married in a few weeks. They asked if we had any advice. I said I did.
Who knows now what I told them? I can’t remember. I’ve been divorced—no one should be taking advice from me! But then I think about my second marriage and Preston and I think this: 1) Pick someone you admire and respect, someone who inspires you. 2) Pick someone with whom you can work out disagreements (I’ve always been the peacemaker in relationships, and Preston is more the peacemaker than I am). 3) And last, spend at least one minute each day telling your person you love her/him and why. Divorce doesn’t usually come because of one moment and one day; it comes from an accumulation of moments and days. Make more of those kind moments.
We could all do a little more of that, not just with the people we love but with neighbors, family and friends, strangers.
Also, look for the gifts. Even during our greatest sorrows, life offers at least a small gift if we just stop and notice it.
May all of you find love every day.
Cookie heart photo by Roman Kraft from Unsplash.com. And yes, now I want a waffle cookie.
Calling All Levels of Writers
for a Four-Day (Online)
Memoir/Essay Workshop
September 30-October 1, 2020
Want to write about your life?
Ready to become a better storyteller?
Don’t know where to start and need some direction (and motivation)?
In this workshop you will generate new writing, read writing that inspires, and learn some tools and techniques on the craft of personal essay/memoir writing. Learn more here.
Early bird registration rate until September 7th!
Thank You to WETS
Thank you to WETS/NPR and Wayne Winkler for interviewing me. In this interview, I talk about my new story collection, A Small Thing to Want, how characters come to me, how I handle rejection, and advice I wish I could give to young writers.
You can listen to it here. (It's the first item listed under "PAST" appearances.)